


Time

by robertttsugden



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Character Study, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fred Weasley(mentioned), Goyle(mentioned), Harry helps Draco, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recovery, Remus Lupin(mentioned) - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, eventually, implied/referenced eating disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:07:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24344737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertttsugden/pseuds/robertttsugden
Summary: Draco knows he's an awful person, who's done the most horrific things without truly paying the price for it, and he knows he doesn't deserve that. He deserves the worst, which is why he's doing this.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 3
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> So this is my first Harry Potter fic so bare with, it will start off with a suicide attempt from Draco so a tw for that, but it will get better for him I promise.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and feedback always welcome !

It was as if the wind was telling him not to, as it pushed his hair backwards from his emotionless face and created a force against his body, a force which felt like a barrier. Essentially, he should really take this as a sign, it was only a few hours prior he’d been praying to any God that would listen to send him a sign - and he’s not even religious. Now, however, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d got thus far, there was no going back, he’d just end up back here again. The last few weeks he’d been trying just to get to this point, he couldn’t go back now. He’d always been a coward, his entire life, too scared to disappoint his father he just became his shadow and followed in his footsteps, he’s resented him for so long for the monster he’s become, blaming it solely on his father's tragically poor attempt at parenting, but he’s come to place more of the blame on himself now. Plenty of people grew up with bad parents, some much much worse than his own, and they don’t end up becoming vile little creatures like he has. Potter, for example, even though he wasn’t raised by his birth parents, the people he was raised by weren’t good people by a stretch, yet Harry is undoubtedly the best person he knows. He’s past redemption, lord knows he’s tried to change for the better, but no one believes he truly can stay that way, everyone’s just waiting for the day he gives up and goes back to his old, malicious ways. A mix of that and the dark cloud that’s seemed to be consuming his mind recently is the reason he’s here, ready to let the dark cloud consume him whole and take him away, much to the relief of others, he presumes.

He’d lost track of the time he’d spent standing on the rough cliff edge, staring down to the apparent bottomless pit whilst his mind drilled into him all the reasons he deserved this, why this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t focus his eyes enough to see the fate that lay ahead of him at the bottom of said cliff. He’d always believed himself to have immaculate eyesight throughout his life, but in the recent months it had appeared to be deteriorating. This was most likely down to the fact he’d been neglecting any form of self care as of late, which included lack of sleep and a massive reduction in how much he’s been eating - he knew enough about the muggle’s way of dealing with illness to know what was happening to him. Sure, he could fix it, he was a wizard after all , but the truth of the matter is he simply did not care enough for himself to do so. He took it as some form of punishment, payback on himself for all the wrong he’s inflicted upon others throughout his pathetic excuse of a life.

All just delaying tactics, he thinks to himself as he realises he’s just spent another ten minutes stuck in his mind, replaying the reasons why he needed to do this. It wasn’t as such a want, more a need. He wouldn’t class himself as suicidal, which is an odd thing for someone standing on the edge of a cliff he’s about to leap off of to say, but he truly wouldn’t. He saw this more as doing everyone else a favour, he knows how much easier life would be without him in it. Although by definition he’d never killed anyone, he felt responsible for the death of one of his closest mates, one of the only people who ever put up with him and his horrific ways. Vincent Crabbe. He at least owed it to him to do this, it would serve justice. Not to mention the fact he very nearly killed Dumbledore. Death was the least he deserved.

Even more time wasted, the one final thing he tries to do and he can’t even do that right. Deep down, he’s scared. In fact he’s more than scared, he’s fucking petrified. He’d had some close scrapes with death in the past but he was about to find out what it truly felt like, but in some weird and twisted way he felt excited. He was excited to finally escape the eternal hell he felt he’d been suffering through as his mind turned against him and picked away at him until he felt completely rotten through and through.

With that final thought on a loop in his mind, he took minuscule, timid steps forth until there was no more room between him and the unknown that lay below the cliff edge. The tremor he’d had in his hand ever since he stepped foot onto the cliff edge severely intensified and travelled through his entire body so much so he nearly prematurely went over the edge. He took one last look and closed his eyes, takes a step forward and…

“Draco..” came a somehow calm voice from behind him, a voice which he could recognise anywhere as he brought his foot back and firmly placed onto the ground,

“Don’t.. You don't have to do this.”

Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

If someone was going to find him on that cliff edge, of course it had to be no other than Harry fucking Potter. It would’ve been hilarious if the current situation Draco found himself in wasn’t as dismal. 

Draco had found himself perched on a rock next to Potter, unable to bring himself to sit opposite him and face having to look him in the eye out of a mix of shame and embarrassment. It wasn’t like the sudden appearance of the Potter boy had suddenly put a spring back in his step and filled him with the will to live, it was more the fact he refused to place anymore trauma upon his old classmate. Yes, Harry hated him, and he quite suspected he wanted him dead nearly as much as he wanted to die himself, but regardless of how much you hate someone, seeing them take their own life in front of you would have most definitely had a ruinous impact on your mental wellbeing, something which he was quite sure Potter could do without.

Draco hadn’t spoken a word to Harry since he sat beside him, he wasn’t entirely sure what you were meant to say to someone who’d just witnessed you attempt to take your life. Harry hadn’t said anything either, not that he was obliged to after all Draco had put him through. Through all the silence he could hear his already rapid heartbeat starting to increase at a bit of an alarming rate, something which tended to happen just before he was going to have a panic attack. He couldn’t have one in front of Potter, he must already think he’s pathetic enough without him knowing he suffers from this as well now. The sheer thought of having an attack in front of Harry seemed to bring the actual attack on much quicker and before he knew it he couldn’t breathe, he felt like he was dying, like the air was being slowly and painfully forced out of his lungs and his heart was beating so fast it was bound to burst out of his pale chest. He got up from the rock stammering around, not entirely sure what he was trying to achieve, he couldn’t figure it out either down to the sound of his heartbeat pounding through his ears at such a violent volume he couldn’t hear himself think. He just knew he needed to get away, he didn’t know where to but just away from here. Suddenly, he felt someone take a loose grip onto his arm which sent him into even more of a panic, he’d forgotten Potter was there.

“It’s alright Draco, I’m here. Take some deep breaths in and out okay? No one’s going to hurt you, I’m not going to hurt you. It’s me. Harry, okay? It’ll all be okay, just try and breathe with me..”

Usually, the panic attacks he endured would last many minutes on end. Non stop never ending minutes of sheer panic, pain, the fear that you’re dying, that it will never stop, but somehow with the help of Potter, this one ended a bit sooner. It didn’t just magically come to an abrupt end, it still went on for minutes on end, but he helped it subside sooner than the norm.

“Thank you Potter..” he managed to mutter out, as soon as he felt he had the energy back to be able to speak. “ You didn’t have to help me.. Not after what I’ve done to you. Truly, thank you, for this and for earlier.”

“It’s alright Draco, it’s not as if I was just going to stand there and not help now was it. I couldn’t let you.. I couldn’t let you do that to yourself.” he spoke in a soft, sombre tone. Draco couldn’t help but notice Potter couldn’t say the words. He couldn’t say that Draco was going to kill himself. Probably out of embarrassment for him, he assumed, as he was rather embarrassed of himself.

“Well.. still, thank you, but if you don’t mind, I should get going now. “ With that he stood back up again, a little shaky on his feet but nothing he hadn’t gone through before. Potter stood up with him.

“I suppose you need some time on your own.. But please Draco, don’t do anything stupid. Look, I think we should meet later okay? Give it an hour and I’ll meet you in the Great Hall. And don’t even think about not showing up because if you don’t I swear to you I’ll be sending out a search party, and I’m pretty sure you would rather keep this more as an isolated incident?”

Draco nodded.

“Though so. I’ll see you there then. One hour, don’t be late.” With that comment Potter walked off back in the direction of Hogwarts, where they both, along with many others, were resitting the last year due to the monstrosity of events that had occurred. Was he dreaming? Had this all just been some odd dream or did Harry Potter just save his life and then arranged to meet him, voluntarily? Surely not, surely he must be dead or something, maybe he had jumped and this was the scenario death brought? Or maybe he’d just lost the plot completely, it was going to happen eventually.

But no. He wasn’t dreaming, he wasn't dead and he hadn’t gone (completely) mad. That had actually just happened, and now he had approximately 54 minutes to get back to the school, sort out his horrifically windswept hair and go meet with Harry Potter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! I hope you're enjoying the story, be assured it will get happier than it is, I promise :)
> 
> tw for this chapter -
> 
> suicidal ideation  
> self harm mentions  
> implied eating disorder (it's more he doesn't eat because he feels he doesn't deserve to look after himself, and he's felt too low to properly take care of himself)
> 
> comments and any suggestions are very much appreciated !

Draco showed up five minutes early, just in case. The last thing he needed right now was Potter spilling his secrets and sending a search party out for him. Now that really would make him go back to the cliff and then straight off it without a second thought. It took him about ten minutes to get back to his dorm, and on his way back he truly took in the beauty that surrounded him for the first time. Nothing like a suicide attempt to sharpen the senses, he thought to himself. He felt truly blessed to be able to call the place his home. Sure, technically it wasn’t his home, Malfoy Manor was, but he could no longer feel at home there, not after everything that had happened. Plus, Hogwarts was where his father wasn’t. He’d always had a very difficult relationship with his father. From the outside, it appeared as though the two had a very strong relationship, there was a bond between them, but from Draco’s point of view it was much, much more complicated. Now, however, wasn’t the time to get into the trials and triumphs between himself and Lucius. He feared that it might lead to him spilling to Potter the details of their relationship, which was something he was definitely not planning on doing. Speaking of Potter, he was pulled out of his thoughts as the boy sat down opposite him.

“So you came”

“I figured it was the least I owed you after what you’ve done for me, plus I knew you weren’t bluffing about that search party and that’s one thing I could very much do without at this moment so, yes, I came.” He’d made sure to change into a thin, long sleeved baggy jumper before he came down to meet him. Long sleeves to cover up his arm, as he was sure if Potter caught a glimpse of the way he’d been inflicting pain upon himself in the form of razor cuts it would escalate the situation to a much higher level. Thin so that he didn’t get too hot and feel the need to roll up his sleeves by accident and expose himself. Baggy so the jumper wasn’t snug around his body to showcase the weight he’d dropped as of recent. He looked down as to avoid eye contact with Potter and pulled at the frays of his sleeves to give him something to fiddle with and calm his nerves, somehow it helped much more than just being sat still.

“See you don’t have any food on your plate? You ought to be hungry after the tiring day you’ve had. Here, eat this, keep your energy up.” With that comment, on his plate in front of him appeared a small, precisely cut ham sandwich. A few years prior, Draco could have wolfed it down no bother and still be hungry. Now, however, the sight of the sandwich alone made him gag. However, he knew he had to eat it as he couldn’t be giving Potter another reason to worry about him, so he forces it down despite his body telling him not to, nearly throwing it back up instantly, but he manages to keep it down, thankfully. Once he’d finished, Draco struggled to look up at Potter yet again, feeling deeply embarrassed that he’d seen him at such low points.

“There’s no need for you to be embarrassed, you know.” Potter exclaimed, as if he’d read his mind. Probably had done, there didn’t seem to be anything he couldn’t do.

“There is Potter, it was rather pathetic, there’s every need for me to be embarrassed. Anyway now you know I’m still alive, I should be going. People will start talking if they see us sat together, they’ll think you’ve lost the plot.” With that Draco stood up to make his swift exit.

“Draco, wait.” Potter grabbed at Draco’s arm without a second thought, and unfortunately for him caught one of the many cuts that littered his arm causing him to wince in pain and pull his arm back. Draco looked down at Potter and by the look of concern on his face he knew Potter had figured it out, he was too smart not to. That was it, he’d think he was completely mad now, completely pathetic and even more of a waste of space. His mind started racing and he felt his heart rate follow, knowing there was a panic attack on the horizon. There was no way he could have one here, in the Great Hall, in front of Potter was bad enough, nevermind half the school. Without another thought he ran out of the Hall, and kept running until he found himself in the sixth-floor boys bathroom, the exact place where Potter had very nearly killed him two years prior. How he wished he had, how he wished Snape hadn't turned up to save him. His breathing started to get much more erratic as he descended into a full blown panic attack.

It was nearly an hour later when the panic attack simmered down and Draco didn’t feel like he was having untimely heart failure, and he was sat in one of the stalls. He didn’t dare go out, he couldn’t face talking to anyone, especially not Potter. As if by magic, with that thought he had a knock on the stall door and followed Potter asking if it was him in the stall. He knew Potter could just magic the door open anway, so he saved him the hassle and opened it. Potter walked in and then closed the door behind and locked it again.

“Draco..”

“Don’t, Potter, I already know what you must think of me. More pathetic than you first thought huh.”

“That’s not true, I promise you it’s not.”

“Oh spare me the caring bullshit, you should’ve killed me in this bathroom in sixth year and we both know it. Would’ve saved a whole lot of fucking hassle.” Draco stood up again and tried to push his way past Potter to exit the stall, but as he did he felt a soft, gentle hand on his shoulder, rather than a grab like last time.

“Please Draco, we can go somewhere where there’s guaranteed no one will walk in and interrupt. You can tell me everything, or just the bits you feel comfortable talking to me about, but you need to talk about this okay? No judgement, I promise. I just want to help you.” He couldn’t get his head around why Potter was trying to help, wasn't he meant to hate him? Was this just a sick joke so he could spread all his secrets around the school? It can’t be. Potter was a good person, unlike himself, he wouldn’t do that.  
“I don’t get it, you hate me? Why would you want to help me?”

“I don’t hate you Draco.. I never have, not truly.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! sorry it's been a while, and apologies because this one is shorter than usual, but I promise I'll be getting back to it soon! hope you enjoy
> 
> tw/
> 
> self harm  
> slight hints at emotional abuse  
> suicidal thoughts  
> mention of deaths (fred, lupin and goyle)

For as long as he could remember, Draco had based a lot of his actions around pleasing his father. Lucius was a difficult man, he put on appearances for the outside world, so that the majority of people would see him as a half decent man, at a stretch that was. For example, when they bumped into Potter and the Weasleys at the Quidditch match, from the outside no one would suspect a thing. As you can guess, it was not the same story from the inside. Lucis was vicious, stubborn and thought way too highly of himself. It was if Draco couldn’t do anything right. Unless he was top of the class in every subject he wasn’t trying hard enough, obviously with Granger around that was practically impossible. He was also more bothered about the Dark Lord than his own family, which he assumes is why he dragged Draco into it. He didn’t want anything to do with it, honest. But he knew how powerful Voldemort was. He would kill him and his family if he refused the Dark Mark, not that he was too fussed over his father, or even himself, but he couldn’t do that to his mother. Then, his father put him forward for the task of killing Dumbledore. Deep down, Draco knew he could never go through with it, not wholeheartedly. How could he kill his own headmaster? That was when the self harm started, through sixth year, he started to cut himself off from the few mates he had, isolated himself, desperately trying to find a way out of the dire situation he had found himself in. He did consider taking his own life then, but he knew the consequences that would have on his Mother, so he’d have to suck it up for her. It wasn’t bad to start off with, but as the pressure built, so did the self hatred. It went on after sixth year, especially after the hostility he was met with back at his own home after his disastrous failure, mixed with all the wrongdoings going on at the hands of Voldemort, it sent him into a dark place. It was all a bit of a blur from then, Draco had tried his best to block it all out of his mind and had partially succeeded, but there were certain things he couldn’t forget. Most notably, the large number of deaths. Goyle being one of the main ones, Draco couldn’t help but feel as if he had single handedly caused it, afterall it was him who had installed the hatred for Potter and his mates into his friends heads, and it had gotten so far as to Goyle dying after an attempt to kill Ron with fire. There were two more that really stuck with him, the first of being his ex-teacher, Lupin, who had a young son at the time of his death. A son who would now have to grow up without either of his parents, all thanks to the blasted war, the war he had a part in creating. Lastly, there was Fred Weasley. One of seven siblings, meaning six of them had now lost their brother for good, George had lost his twin, Fred had never got the chance to live his life, and he was one of the only innocent people in the entire fiasco. That was the main one he could never forgive himself for, and that's what drove him down this complete downward spiral. It was what drove him to that cliff edge, and what would have driven him off the edge if Potter hadn’t been interrupted. In fact, he came here a few times with the intentions of doing it, but the flashbacks he got to that fateful night were too strong; it sent him hurtling into a panic attack before he could even attempt anything. 

Once finished reliving the events, Draco, again, couldn’t bring himself to look at Potter, not wanting to face whatever emotion he would be displaying, however Draco was approximately 97% sure it would be one of disgust. How dare he turn the deaths of so many innocent people into a pathetic sob story about himself and his ever so slightly bad life. Instead, Draco stared off the edge of the Astronomy Tower, where they both found themselves perched, contemplating why he’s just spilt all of that information to Harry Potter of all people. He supposed, deep down, he had never hated Potter. It was just drilled into him from a young age to do so, all from Lucius. Come to think of it, Potter wasn’t bad at all, he had always slightly admired him. Not that he could ever let anyone know. Merlin, he’d hardly even thought about it in this much depth until now. Maybe he liked Potter? In a friendly way.

Of course.

After a few minutes he finally picked up the courage to look at Potter, and to his surprise, Potter didn’t look disgusted. In fact, he looked slightly sympathetic? As if he felt bad for Draco, something he most definitely never expected was someone feeling bad for him. 

“I’m so sorry all that happened Malfoy, it can’t have been easy”

“Potter, it’s alright, you don’t have to pretend to feel bad for me, I deserved everything I got and worse, I nearly led to you dying?”

“Yeah and I nearly killed you myself okay? It’s not fake Mal- Draco. I promise you. What happened was in no way your fault yeah? Not one bit of it, especially what happened with Fred, Lupin and Goyle. And that is a promise.”

Draco looked away, had Potter really just called him by his first name? Maybe Potter did feel genuinely bad for him, maybe he didn’t hate Draco as much as he thought he did. Maybe this was the start of a new path for Draco.


End file.
